


Molly's Marital Magic

by BlueKazoo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Is Alive, Gen, PWP without Porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 07:33:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3683547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueKazoo/pseuds/BlueKazoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the last of her children leave The Burrow, Molly decides to expand the family toy-selling business with a somewhat older client base.  How will the wizarding world react to the sudden availability of magical sexual enhancements?</p>
<p>I'll be using this as a hub to begin various one-shots  and short stories, all of which will be pornish to one degree or another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The beginning of this story. As I've written above, this is going to be a place to connect a series of short stories and one-shots. Incidentally, this prologue, while shorter than I'd prefer, is going to start one of the longer stories I have planned for this project. I should probably also mention that, while this story may go into explicit detail on the subject of sex, most of the actual lemons will be sourced in the stories that derive from this one.

“Mum, please....we're begging you.” Fred pleaded, clasping his hands together as if in prayer.

“On our actual knees, I might add,” George interjected, and indeed the twins were kneeling before their mother, Molly Weasley, in the middle of what appeared to be a rather comfortable, if small, sitting room. 

Molly sighed in exasperation. She knew reactions from her children would be mixed, but George and Fred had been the worst of them. It made sense, given the circumstances, but it was still frustrating to deal with.

“Now boys, I know that finding out your parents are people can be a little...dismaying, but this is ridiculous. Besides which, if you should be begging anyone, it would be your father. He's been pushing me to get a hobby ever since Ginny left home, and when I mentioned this little idea he jumped at the chance.” 

In an innocent, contemplative tone, she commented, “I think he may be looking forward to free samples.”

The twins paled, and then swallowed heavily. “I think I'm going to be sick,” George commented. Fred nodded, not trusting his self-control enough to open his mouth.

“I really don't know what the big deal is,” Molly said finally, her frustration clear.

“Mum, you're selling sex toys,” George said, which drew a glare from his mother.

“Marital aids,” Fred corrected for George. 

“Right you are, Fred, marital aids, in the middle of Diagon Alley.”

“A middle,” Fred continued, “that also happens to currently be occupied by one joke shop, owned by the dashing men kneeling before you.”

“Oh yes, I was quite pleased by the placement.” Molly commented. At the disbelieving looks on her sons' faces, she rolled her eyes. “Oh, come now. It will be good business for both of us. Parents will drop their children off at your toy shop, and then they'll wander in to peruse mine. Both will shop longer than they normally would which, as you know, means they'll buy more.”

The twins shuddered once more at the mention of Molly's 'toy shop'.

“The problem, mother dearest, isn't so much the custom we may or may not garner from the situation.” Fred said.

“No, indeed, brother mine. The issue, you see, is having to look out the window of our shop, and observe a sign proudly proclaiming, 'hey look, my mum is telling people how to have sex'” George finished.

“I would never tell people how to have sex. I would, of course, give suggestions. Suggestions like telling your respective girlfriends you've been swapping places without their permission.”

Both boys looked up at their mother in horror. “How did you know about that?” They cried in unison

Molly glared at her mischievous sons. “I've raised you for two decades. I know you two switch every chance you get, and I suspect the bedroom is no exception. If the girls are half as smart as I think they are, they already know anyways. If they don't...well, this is the sort of thing that can end relationships if it comes out too late.”

Fred and George adopted an identical look of pensive concern at that. “How late is too late, exactly?” George asked warily.

“That depends almost entirely on how many times you two have cheated on your respective girlfriends.” Molly replied calmly.

Fred and George looked at each other. “Fred, my stellar sibling,” George commented.

“Yes, my beautiful brother?” Fred commented.

“I do believe we have some begging to do.” George noted.

“Yes indeed,” Fred agreed, “hopefully it doesn't end up like last time.” Greg shuddered in agreement. Together, the two rushed out of their progenitor’s new place of business.

Molly smiled, settling back into the well-stuffed armchair as the doorbell to her new place of business chimed. With a flick of her wand, the sign outside lit up.

Molly's Marital Magic was open for business.


	2. Molly's First Sale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Molly sells an unusual product, and identifies a flaw in her business model.

It was nearly noon when the bell above Molly's door comes once more, as a dignified elderly woman walked in. Molly brightened immediately, standing to greet the woman with a hug.

"Madam Pomfrey, what a wonderful surprise! Please, have a seat. Would you care for some tea?"

"Tea sounds lovely, dear. Though I must confess some confusion as to how I found myself here."

Molly pointed her wand at the teapot, and steam began puffing from it steadily. "That would be the charms on the door. They encourage people to enter if the magic believes we hold a solution for them. Quite an expensive bit of enchanting, but helpful in my new line of work."

"Indeed. If I am any indication, I suspect it will prove to be well worth the money. This isn't exactly what I had planned to do with my Tuesday afternoon, but over the years I've learned that when magic pushes you in a particular direction, you ignore it at your own peril."

Molly smiled ruefully, pouring tea for both of them. "All too true in some cases, I'm afraid. Any thought on what the magic might be guiding you toward?"

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "To be honest, I've found myself at loose ends since retiring from Hogwarts. I didn't really have time to develop any hobbies while I worked there, and now that I've left, I find that nothing holds my attention."

Molly nodded. "I went through much the same when the last of my young ones left." She smiled softly. "You're sitting in the results of that restlessness."

"How did you come to decide this was the solution?"

"As you know, two of my boys have meet with some success selling jokes and toys to children. I thought I might extend that theme to entertainments of a more mature variety. Of course, they find it fantastically embarrassing, which is only icing on the cake."

"I see. And you believe that one of these... entertainments is what I am looking for?"

Molly was interrupted in her response by the door chiming once more. A man of middling age and attractiveness walked in, then looked around in confusion.

"Is this a shop, or a café?" the man asked brusquely.

"It is a shop. I'm sorry, if you'd like to take a seat, I'll be with you shortly. It you'd prefer to browse, a selection of our products are on display through that door there."

The man shook his head, then vanished into the indicated room.

"I'm sorry about that. Still working out some details, I'm afraid."

"Not at all. I understand completely."

"Now, as to your specific requirements, let me first ask you this. Are you dissatisfied with your sex life?"

Madam Pomfrey let out an unladylike snort. "The closest thing I've had to a sex life since my Henry died has been an infrequent relationship with a particularly well shaped broom handle."

"I see. I take it you aren't interested in dating?"

"Could I get some bloody service in here?" The man's voice drifted through the thick wood door.  
Molly sighed in frustration, glaring at the door.

"Pardon me a moment, Madam Pomfrey." Molly said.

"If we're going to be discussing the best way to achieve orgasm, you might as well call me Poppy," she replied dryly.

"Of course. Back in a tick, then."

Molly vanished into the other room, and a moment later the man stomped out, a small black bag in one hand. Molly sat back down with a sigh.

"Sorry about that. Where were we?"

"You had asked if I was interested in dating, which I am quite assuredly not. I wouldn't mind keeping one around for a good rogering now and again, but then they always expect you to feed them, or cuddle or what have you. I'm too old to muck about with romance."

Molly leaned back in her chair. "I see. I take it you find self stimulation unsatisfactory?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Truthfully, some people find masturbation to be entirely adequate for their needs. I don't understand it myself, but then I sell quite a few products that have a select target audience."

"Not me. I like a man that will pin me down and take me hard, even if I struggle. Even if I could find that kind of bloke interested in an old bird like me, the old bones aren't what they used to be."

"Hmmm..." Molly mused, sipping her tea in silence for a moment. "Tell me, Poppy, how do you feel about gardening?"

Poppy stared at Molly for a moment, then shook her head. "That is quite possibly the strangest non-sequitur I have ever heard. To answer your question, I care for a small garden at home."

Molly smiled. "The reason I ask is that your situation reminded me of a curious entry in one of the catalogs I order my stock from. I decided against them because they require more care than I could provide, but I believe you would find it quite gratifying. It described a plant, related to Devil's Snare, I believe, that acquires liquid from its victims in an exceedingly gentle, but quite firm manner. I suspect it to be magically engineered, but the entry didn't go into its history."

"And you think this... plant will prove acceptable?"

Molly smiled. "I greatly suspect it will exceed expectations."

Molly summoned up the catalog in question, and the two witches went over the entry for the Devils Skirt carefully. In the end, Poppy gave the plant her wary approval, a price was negotiated, and plans for delivery made.

"If I may make a suggestion?" Madam Pomfrey asked, standing up.

"Of course," Molly replied.

"You may want to consider hiring someone to assist customers not interested in your more personal sales style. I personally find it most effective, as you can tell, but not everyone will be willing to share their stories with you, and I suspect this shop will be too popular to manage on your own."

Molly smiled wryly. "I can only pray you are correct, but I will most definitely be on the lookout for any interested parties. Do owl me with your impressions on the Skirt, if you don't mind."

"I will indeed. Thank you for the tea."

Molly smiled. "Have a wonderful day."

 

Molly had a fairly steady stream of customers after that, most interested only in browsing, while several others shared stories of lovers lost, stagnating relationships, or a vague dissatisfaction with life. Molly nodded along sympathetically and, in most cases, suggested simple changes along with relatively commonplace products. Molly was interrupted several more times in her conversations by the need to ring someone up for purchase.

Molly felt that, despite her odious lack of a sales assistant, she was doing rather well in her new establishment. Then Narcissa Malfoy entered, a puzzled expression on her face.

Molly immediately plastered a smile on her face, reminding herself that personally disliking someone wasn't justification for ignoring the duty she had chosen for herself.

"Lady Malfoy, what a surprise! Would you care for some tea?" Molly asked.

Narcissa's gaze sharpened as Molly spoke.

"You dare enchant me?" Narcissa asked icily.

"Only insomuch as I dare enchant any passerby that might benefit from my products."

"What could I possibly need so much that I would sink so low as to buy from you?"

Molly smiled maliciously. "Tell me, Narcissa... how's the sex life? A bit bland these days?"

Narcissa turned white, then red in rage, and reached for her wand. The room was suddenly bathed in red light, and Narcissa found herself unable to move.

Molly cursed to herself. "I'm so sorry, Narcissa, it was terribly unprofessional of me to bait you like that. Give me a moment to release the wards."

Molly pulled out her wand, muttering to herself as she executed a complex series of motions. With a final flourish, the room returned to is normal coloration.

"There. Anti-aggression were clearly the way to go. I'm terribly sorry about that. How can I make it up to you?"

Narcissa glared at Molly briefly, then looked away. "Tell no one of this, and stay out of my sight." She ground out, whirling in place and striding out the door.

Molly berated herself silently. She was supposed to be helping people with their concerns about sex, not using those concerns to hurl petty insults. A colossal bitch and potential dark witch she may be, but that didn't mean Narcissa was utterly lacking in human feeling. Narcissa would want to feel close to her partner as much as anyone, perhaps more so give the insular nature of their social group.

Molly sighed. She would have to do better in the future. This certainly wouldn't be the last time a witch or wizard with a poor opinion of her would get snagged by the enchantments.

 

Molly sighed as she sank into the plush armchair facing the fireplace of the Burrow, rubbing her forehead.

"Rough day?" Arthur asked, reaching around to rub Molly's shoulders gently. Molly sighed as they taut muscles began unwinding.

"Rough, yes, but overall enlightening. I'm going to need an assistant, it turns out."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "That busy, were you?"

"Busier than I expected, yes. More people came in to browse than anything. I thought I'd have more people interested in personal service."

Arthur nodded thoughtfully. "So you need someone to handle checkout while you solve the more personal cases, then? That shouldn't be too difficult. Plenty of folks with shop experience about."

Molly sighed. "Shop experience, yes, but they also have to be interested in working at an adult store, comfortable talking about sex, able to do so without judgment, good at dealing with uncomfortable people, preferably a good bookkeeper. Oh, and young, female, and moderately attractive."

Arthur blinked at the steady stream of requirements. "Hold on. Young attractive female? What's that about?"

"Women are less likely to buy from an adult shop if there's a man at the checkout. They tend to feel self-conscious. Blokes do too, of course, but they often buy more in that case. Young because some younger customers might be a bit uncomfortable talking to an old biddy like me, and attractive for all the reasons every business looks to put attractive people at the checkout line."

"Old biddy? Hold on, now, you're only a couple of months older than me" Arthur said, indignant.

"Which should tell you something, I suspect." Molly sniffed.

"I'm as spry and energetic as the day we met." Arthur insisted.

Molly smiled. "Prove it," she challenged, her voice husky.

With a growl, quickly followed by a yelp as Molly fell to the floor, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there is going to be a one-shot when Poppy gets her plant. Yes, it is going to be weird.


End file.
